Sunday, November 13, 2016

Playing Requests

Life is complicated. The way I feel about everything, people and relationships and where I'm going and who I like seems complicated.

I feel like a whiny bitch sometimes. Totally happy and delighted with my life other times. And a slut in between. I don't understand lots of what I'm doing, or how I'm feeling. I'm confused. I want to be poly, I want to play around, I want to be desired. I want to share and love and be awesome with it. I want to understand myself and my sexuality. I am having it the poly thrust upon me too. But I want it. But fuck it's hard sometimes.

I have no role models for poly. Sure Franklin Veaux. But he's a guy. He has theories. I have emotions. And analysis. Oh, and I'm a submissive.

(And I'm afraid you'll think I'm a slut. Which is ridiculous, but real.) But okay, I think I need to get over that.

So blog readers, where should we go next?

Do you want to hear about the other guys I've met. Sort of cyber Dom dating. Checking them out. Trying to understand what I'm looking for. And what I'm really not.

Or would you rather hear about his other girls? The good, the bad, and the drama.

In both cases, their roles in the story might be fleeting... so get your requests in early.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

I Met a Guy

So I  met this guy. He's Dom and dirty. He's smart and funny.

I really like him. He really likes me.

He wants to spend time with me. He teases me, talks to me, laughs with me. Rants to me, talks to me about his life and wants to hear about mine. Finds me attractive and desirable.

I think ... I really like him. He's attractive, not that that should matter, but I like that I find him that way. He laughs a lot. Maybe just with me, but that works too. He's smart; I love smart. He reads; we talk books.  He tells me books to read and movies to see. He has a great memory. He randomly switches the conversation to sex. Did I mention dirty? Which I am loving.

He laughs when I ask questions and says maybe he should put a daily limit on that.

He makes me laugh, and he laughs a lot too. Early days but we are both enjoying the time we spend with each other. He described himself as irascible, and omg, I love that he used that word. I don't thin I'd ever heard anyone actually use it out loud before. And he is, but he's very sweet too. I think that's a secret.

He's a gentleman.

We're going to call him MD. I'm not sure what that stands for. Different things.

Stay tuned


Monday, November 7, 2016

Submitting

When I am patient and sweet and submissive and just roll with his shit, he gets all sweet again. Remind me of that next time please?

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Helping

If I have an insight that I think would help one of his other submissives, should I tell it?

Might seem like an obvious question, but I don't know.

It might get me in trouble to tell. Might make me look like I'm finding fault again. And piss him off. I don't need more of that.

And sometimes I think she deliberately sabotages me (like yesterday) but I'm supposed to believe that I was just collateral damage and not notice.

So, would I tell her something that will probably help her? Relationship help for her relationship with him, and no it's not ratting on him or anything like that.

If I don't I will feel mean.

I'm such a do-gooder sometimes.

I probably will, though I will need to figure out how to say it so it doesn't recoil and bite me in the ass.

And btw, this poly shit is hard sometimes Y'All.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Dilemna

Argggg. 

I keep starting and then stopping, erasing and starting again. 

The problem is. 

Trust. 

I don't trust him. He doesn't trust me. We want to be together. But we don't trust each other. 

So sometimes it's awesome. Sex is great. We talk well, deal well, love each other. 

Other times it's a clusterfuck. At the slightest provocation we take offense, bicker like little kids, like archenemies. It's bad. 

I don't know how to stop and he doesn't either. 

We know each other too well. And we don't trust. 

And we can't stay away from each other. 


Thursday, November 3, 2016

Trust?

It really bugs me that he wont allow me to talk to most of his other girls.

I guess it wouldn't bug me if he wasn't letting someone else do it. And ... he wants me to talk to the centre girl. And ... not mind

And I can "recognise that she is talking to the other girls as well, but not probe too deeply".

He knows it bugs me. He doesn't really give a shit.

He knows it bugs me that he won't tell me why he has made this decision. Again, I don't think he gives a shit.

He says "Trust your Dom". I really don't. But I don't say so, because I don't want the fight.

Trust? Not really. Or... really not.


Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Analysis

I love the analysis of my Dom/sub relationships.

I always have.

And the Dominant I chose used to love that with me.

I'm realising lately that he really doesn't want that with me anymore.

What he wants is quantity not quality. More girls, less deep with any one. He simply doesn't have time, and it's a trade off, and so what he wants is just more variety.

And I still want what I wanted. Detailed analytical picking apart who said what, who did what, what happened then, and why, and what it means. And then going over it all again.

I miss that.

I'm finding new friends, new possibilities. I hope that's some of what I find, someone who wants to analyse it all with me.  I guess it's on my list.